Brotherly Love

We have struggled a lot in the past few months with the boys fighting.   Especially now that Miles is of the age he tries to do EVERYTHING Chase is doing and is all in his space!  Specifically Chase has been pushing and hitting Miles (not always undeserved), but none-the-less frustrating to see.  All I hoped for, having 2 children so close in age, is that they would share a special bond, be best friends, and love each other - always having each others' backs.  I know fighting is par for the course with any children, but to see it all day, every day, was beginning to really wear on me.  I had consulted Chase's therapists at BCA a couple of times about how to deal with this issue and stop it.  They basically (in a nutshell) suggested that I not draw too much attention to the behavior (as Chase was probably looking for a reaction from me, even if it was a negative one) and not give Miles too much of a reaction either, unless he was legitimately hurt (as he was probably trying to get a reaction from me also).  OK?!?!  So I ignore them??? Yep!  If the situation escalated I simply removed one of the boys, whichever instigated it, and took away whatever they were fighting over (usually the iPad) without saying a word, making a face, or making eye contact with the child.  This went on for a couple of months without any change in either of their behaviors.  I emailed the therapists back again (a NOVEL of an email) venting my frustrations and concerns because it had gotten so out of hand and no sooner than I sent that email it just all of a sudden it has stopped!

They call it an "extinction burst", when you are trying to change or stop a negative behavior and it gets really bad right before it goes away.  Well this must have been one of those scenarios.  They are now pleasant towards each other, and even share the majority of the time.  Neither one of them hits when the other yanks the iPad away.  And they have even started playing nicely and laughing together...something I thought may never happen!  I'm not going to say that the hitting and pushing doesn't ever happen now or won't again, but I think Chase has learned to tolerate Miles in a new way...and Miles is learning new ways to pester and annoy big brother...it will never end! :)

 Sweetly sharing the iPad

 Miles goes in for the tackle

 Miles says: "Let me in to see Chase"

 Chase says: "You are all up in my space Miles"

Miles goes for the karate kick to Chase's face and he blocks

HOORAY FOR A WEEK OF NO FIGHTING!!!

We promote what we look for, spotlight, and highlight!

We promote what we look for, spotlight, and highlight!

It is human nature to focus on the negative. Maybe it is our survival instinct to hyperfocus on the negative, out of fear and anxiety. As a behavior specialist, one of the principles I learned over the years is we tend to inadvertently promote what we focus on; that which we throw our attention at. This is very evident with our children who display challenging behaviors. Everyone gets anxious and excited, analyze and strategize! We meet, brain storm, problem solve, program and document. We are hyperfocused on the challenging behavior; on high alert for it to happen, and ready to jump on it when it occurs. The challenging behaviors bring out the emotion in us, and we react with high intensity. What we often do not realize is the more we react and give attention to the negative, the more “value” we give to it. The more we focus on it, the more we see it. The behavior and the emotions tend to spiral out of control, with all parties getting frustrated and angry. Sometimes the more we try, the more behavior we get! 

This is not just with children on the spectrum. This principle applies to everyone. Whether it is marriage conflicts, employee/ employer relationships, parent/child conflicts, etc. When we focus on the negative, throw our attention at it and intensively react to it, it tends to increase. When we hyperfocus on the negative, we spotlight and highlight it, and inadvertently foster it. As the vicious cycle continues, both the adults and children become more frustrated, angry, and controlling. Unfortunately for all, the problem often escalates.

What people often do not realize is the “attention” and “emotion” given to a behavior will often reinforce it to occur more frequently. This is often evident with giving praise for good behavior, but also for giving negative reactions to challenging behavior. Whether the child likes the negative attention or not, the attention often increases the frequency of the challenging behavior. Either the child feels the control they see in the emotional reactions of others, enjoys manipulating what he wants by creating such attention, or hates the negative reactions and acts out more out of frustration. Regardless of the reasons for the challenging behavior, our attention to it often fosters it. 

Another concept in psychology is we tend to identify with what others highlight in us. If others tend to spotlight and highlight our negative qualities we tend to identify ourselves with those qualities. If we are labeled and treated like a bad, lazy, oppositional, inadequate person, we will become that person. Our self identities tend to mirror what others project on us. When we label a child a bully, we focus on his bad behavior, expect it out of him, and he identifies with those expectations. If we expect the child to act out when working with him, we will look for the behavior, are quick to interpret all behavior in a negative light, expect it to occur, and then give added attention to it when it happens. The child begins to see himself as “being that way”, because that is him!

Often when meeting with parents, teachers, administrators, and professionals , about 90% of the discussion is centered around the child’s challenging behaviors (why is it occurring, what are the triggers, what consequences will reduce it, etc.) as if these behaviors define the child. I can get caught up in this myself. After listening to this discussion for some time I usually have to interrupt the discussion and ask “what does the child do right?” What are his positive behaviors and attributes? When he is not acting out, what positive things does he do, say, and engage in. We are often so focused on the negative behavior we fail to notice the positive. We start to define the child as a problem. This is because of our natural instinct is to reaction to the negative. It colors our vision, and directs our focus. 

In behavioral language we often “baseline” the negative behavior (document how often it occurs, for how long it occurs, and how intense it is). We immediately start looking for it, expecting it, and sometimes inadvertently creating it. I find that it is often better to have parents and teachers first start with documenting what the child is doing right! What his good attributes are, when he is being good, and under what conditions is he at his best. “Catch him being good, attend to it, and document it.” Track throughout the day what things the child is doing right, when is he doing them and under what condition does he do well? We write them all down, list and compare notes on what behavior we want to see, when it is occurring, and how are we attending (or not attending) to it. 

People are at first annoyed by this, because of their hyperfocus on reducing the negative behavior. They want to turn the attention back to the negative behavior, as if that will somehow stop it. However, if they take a few weeks to simply focus on the good behavior, making an emphasis to praise and attend to it, and learn to create conditions for the good behavior to occur, not only does the good behavior start to occur more frequently, but the negative behavior starts to decrease significantly. When we tend to change our focus to “spotlighting and highlighting” the positive in the child, we actually become less reactive to the negative, stop hyperfocusing on it, and reduce the expectation for it to occur. When our attention is turned to the positive, what the child is doing right, what helps them feel “safe, accepted, and competent”, there is little time, energy, or need for the negative behavior. When others feel good about you, and you feel good about yourself, there is little value in the negative behaviors. 

Keep making your lists of all the good things you see from the child, and how you are praising and attending to them. Define your child by the good qualities in him, and more good things will come from him. Spotlight and highlight these good behaviors by creating a “Me” photo book of all the great things the child does. Take a digital camera and take pictures of times when the child “shines”, doing good things. Make a “Me” picture book of these events. Turn these events into “we-do” activities; doing them together, having fun, and sharing the experience together. Sit down with this “me” book and review and highlight the positive moments. Reminisce and share the experiences. By valuing the positive, the child will begin to gleam, and aspire to meet the expectations. He will begin to define himself by the positive, become more competent and confident, and build stronger self esteem. Children with strong self esteems rarely find the need to be negative. 

When the negative behaviors do occur, stay calm, minimize your attention, give little emotional reaction, support and redirect as needed, then turn right back to accenting the positive. You will find when there is four times more attention and emphasis on the positive than given to the negative, you will start to see a good turnaround, both in your child and in yourself. Positive breeds more positive, and all benefit. This all sounds much easier than it often is to implement. In actuality, this can take a lot of practice to change our focus and attention. But you will find that you are happier, and so is your child!

I found this article from a blog a follow and think it is such a humbling reminder to focus on the positive things about my children, instead of always looking for ways to "fix" the negative things or problem behaviors.  And this goes for ALL children...not just special needs children!  

Navigating An IEP Meeting

Navigating the IEP meeting!

The day has come and you arrive at school for your child’s IEP (Individualized Education Program) meeting. If it is the child’s first “initial” IEP, then you will probably be totally clueless on what to expect or what your role is. If this Is not your first, but one of many, you may be more seasoned, but still intimated in how to advocate for your child. Either way, you need to prepare yourself, know what you are entitled to and how to go about getting it. The following are some suggestions for making the most of your IEP meetings.

Prepare ahead of time. Ask, in writing, to obtain copies of all the multidisciplinary evaluation team (MET) assessments, so you can review them ahead of time. These may include psychological, occupational therapy, speech and language assessments, etc. Once you review them, if you have questions (which you should), request a meeting with the professional to clarify information and recommendations, and answer any questions you may have. Do not go to the meeting without first reviewing these assessments.

In addition to the MET assessments, ask in writing to obtain a copy of the “Present Level of Academic Achievement and Functional Performance” (PLAAFP) assessment. This assessment includes information on the child’s current performance (skill level) in all areas of education. The PLAAFP provides current performance levels in each area of deficits and academic achievement. From this assessment, goals and objectives are derived, as well as special accommodations and supports. Review this document ahead of time, ask questions, and talk to key figures in assessing your child.

Review your school districts IEP form before the meeting. Get a blank copy and review the outline, make notes, and ask questions. They will usually follow this outline during the meeting. Make sure each area is covered, and you have jotted down any suggestions you made for each area. Don’t let them gloss over any areas. Many schools come with a draft IEP already written. Be prepared for this. When requesting the assessments (in writing), also request to review the “draft IEP”. If the school does not supply you with either the assessments or drafts, and in turn comes into the meeting with either of them, ask to reschedule the meeting until you can review the documents. “NO DOCUMENTS YOU HAVEN’T REVIEWED.” In all fairness, only do this if you had first requested in writing to obtain copies. Don’t let them slide something by you, or pressure you to complete the meeting due to time constraints.

With your teacher and professionals as assigned, review with them the progress toward last year’s goals and objectives. In reality you should be aware of these goals and monitoring the progress regularly throughout the year. Ask to see how the progress is measured, and how much progress your child made. If there is no apparent progress, question why it would be continued, or make revisions to increase likelihood of progress.

To summarize, before you walk into the meeting you should have reviewed all MET assessments, the PLAAFP assessment, the IEP format, and the draft IEP. Review all the areas of assessment, current goals and objectives and your child’s progress. Also, obtain a summary list of common accommodations and modifications which your child may be entitled to. If you have access to an advocate or more experienced parent who know the system well, ask to review these documents with them for clarity and suggestions.

You have the right to invite whomever you wish to attend the meeting. I would strongly suggest that if your child has a para-pro (assistant) working with him/her, demand that person be at the meeting. They are the most important person in your child’s day to day adjustment to school. They know more about your child than most everyone else at the table. Also, make sure all the supporting disciplines will be there (not on vacation).

I highly recommend that you bring someone with you, either a formal advocate, or experienced parent who knows how to navigate these meetings. Not only can they help you advocate, they also will be an objective observer. You will be filled with a variety of emotions, miss a lot, forget or misinterpret what is said. Have them take notes. You also have the right to tape record the meeting if you choose. Be careful in relying on the teacher consultant as the advocate at the meeting. They are usually employees of the school district and feel pressured not to say certain things or push for certain supports.

If at any time during the meeting you feel confused, request to take a break, talk to someone individually, or reschedule the meeting until further information is provided. Parents often feel pressured, confused, and intimated during the meeting. Slow things down, ask a lot of questions, get clarification, and reschedule if needed.

Go in knowing what you want; which modifications and accommodations you are requesting. Be prepared that these supports have to directly relate to the individual goals. It is the goals that drive the accommodations and supports.

Ask how each goal and objective will be measured so you can question the validity of how progress will be measured. Request to have periodic review meetings with the team (at least once every couple of months) to evaluation progress toward these goals. If progress is not being made, then request changes in either the objectives or teaching strategies to increase likelihood of progress. Do not let them continue goals that are showing no progress.

For each goal and objective, question the functionality of the goal (skill), how it is being measured, and what strategies will be used to teach them. Know your child’s learning style and question any strategies that do not match that.

Complete the “comfort zone profile” or other learning profile sheets, to summarize at the meeting what your child’s strengths and challenges are, and what accommodations and learning strategies best support your child. Build these strategies into the IEP to ensure others use them. You want the IEP to include all that is needed to maximize that your child feels “safe, accepted, and competent” at school.

Before the meeting ends, make sure all agreements are written into the IEP. The school is not accountable for anything that is verbally agreed upon; only that which is in writing. Don’t let them by with saying they will build them in later, or as needed. Also, don’t let them say that “we provide this as normal routine.” Get in writing!

Most importantly, be firm and assertive, but avoid being aggressive! Don’t back down, but stay calm and supportive. You want to be a working partner with the school to maintain a working relationship with them. If everyone is on the defense, nothing seems to work well. Just because you get it written into the IEP, doesn’t mean that it will happen, or be effective even if you get it. Collaboration is the best tool to use to gain the most effective implementation of the IEP!

https://www.facebook.com/autismdiscussionpage

I found this page on facebook that provides a lot of useful information and tips with regards to children (and adults) on the spectrum.

A Humbling Tear

I picked up Chase from school Thursday afternoon, and like every other day, one of the therapists or interns bring him out to the car, buckle him in, and off we go home...but today as Rachel (an intern) was buckling him in his car seat I heard a sniffle and turned around to see her tearing up.  I asked her what was wrong (?!?!) and she quietly sniffled "Today is my last day and I'm just going to miss this little guy, and all the kids, soooo much!" :(  I asked her if she was moving and she said yes, starting a new job in Virginia and said, "I'm just not sure I'll ever love any kids as much as I love these kiddos here at Brown."  I completely lost it at this point.  It's so humbling and heart warming to know that these total strangers put so much love and energy in to our kids every day and truly want what is best for them and to see them succeed.  The therapists and interns all go above and beyond their "normal" hours to field phone calls and emails from us frantic parents, come for home visits to observe, go to haircuts, dentist appointments, church...whatever we need assistance or help with, they will come!  This was a special girl.  Rachel would "call it" every day to come out and get Chase out of the car when we arrived.  She would literally skip out to the car with the BIGGEST smile on her face, popping up and down in the window playing peek-a-boo, and Chase LOVED it!  It makes it so much easier to leave your child at school when they go willingly and happy; and he would get out of the car every day and give her the biggest hug then walk right in.  Warms my heart!  It was a very humbling moment for me, because so often I take for granted the fact that these people spend so much time with our kids and form bonds with them that go beyond the job.  We will miss you Rachel but we wish you all the best of luck in your future endeavors!

Christmas Cookie Fun

Today we made iced Christmas cookies!  I let go of my OCD tendencies and let the boys make a TOTAL mess and it was soooo much fun! :)  I was pleasantly surprised at how much they really enjoyed and took part in this.  In years past Chase has not been the slightest bit interested in helping, but he was totally engaged this year.  He helped me roll out the dough, push down the cookie cutters and squish the dough back up to roll out again.  He even helped ice and pour sprinkles EVERYWHERE!  He has come leaps and bounds from this time last year!  What a Christmas blessing!
As for Miles, he liked drawing in the flour and was more interested in eating all the icing than anything else (imagine)!

 This one is pure TROUBLE! :)

 Such a big helper!

 Chase loves his momma! 

 Aunt Miles helping little Miles! :)

 He's more interested in the icing!

 mmmm...icing!

12 Christmas Prayers

"Every good and perfect gift is from above..." James 1:17

Children: a true blessing from God.  I learn something new every day from my boys.  And I truly believe that were each born with a purpose.  Although they are probably too young at this point to really know their Godly "gifts" and purposes, I believe Miles was brought in to this family at JUST the right time, to shine his big, vivid and hilarious personality on this family in the midst of the struggles we go through daily.

Of course I am overwhelmingly thankful and in love with both my boys, and Chase is just as much of a blessing as Miles, but as anyone with multiple children knows, they all bring different things to the table and have very different personalities.  I will probably write about Chase most of the time in this blog, so today this post is about Miles...

I honestly do not know where Miles's quirky and animated personality came from?  He amazes me EVERY day with this silly antics.  He picks up on EVERYTHING (things I am not even aware he is paying attention to - I'm in BIG trouble with this one)!  He makes me laugh daily, which is sometimes literally the BEST medicine anyone could take!

Timing is everything...
God has perfect timing.  We saw this multiple times throughout the process of our move to Nashville and I believe us getting pregnant with Miles, when we did, was another example of God's timing.  Miles was born just as we were starting to figure out what was going on with Chase.  While it was stressful to have a newborn, no sleep, the stress of Chase's diagnosis, figuring out how to get him the therapy and help he needed, etc...Miles was the perfect distraction from all the stress and fear.  It would be very easy (especially with my personality type) to get so wrapped up in trying to find solutions or figure out what was going on with Chase to completely cut myself off from everything and only focus on that, but with another child now, who needed me, it helped me to take a step back from "Autism" and just focus on quality time with the boys and the small day to day moments.

So many days I feel like they are out to get me!  :)  They team up against me.  They whine at the same time, all day long.  They are always going in opposite directions getting in to EVERYTHING.  They are fighting.  They both have dirty diapers at the SAME time, ALL THE TIME!  And just when I think I can't take it anymore, Miles makes me laugh.  As mad as I want to get sometimes,  I look at the funny faces he makes, or the words coming out of his mouth and I forget about it all.  He brings me back to reality.  Back to the things that matter.  God knew what He was doing when he gave me this little firecracker! :)