To Miles

I spend most of my time writing about Chase and therapies and diets and all things Autism related, but this past week "snowed/iced in" has gotten me thinking about Miles.  Albeit whiney and attention craving (what 2 1/2 year old isn't?), I've realized what all he has to put up with and how mature beyond his age he really is...so this post is for you Miles!

Dear Miles,
From the moment we found out we were pregnant with you we were thrilled with the idea of having a sibling so close in age with Chase (you would be 23 months apart)!  Having both had brothers and sisters so close in age, your dad I wanted the same for Chase (and for you).  When we found out that you were a boy, and that Chase was going to have a little brother, we were even more excited!

This was all before the reality of Autism crept in to our lives.

We had dreams of you two being best friends, playing sports together, being close throughout school, fighting over girls...typical dreams, of typical parents and typical families.  But our life is not typical.  As we counted down the days to your delivery, the realization of Chase's Autism also kicked in, and those dreams quickly shifted.

The months after you were born were both joyful and heartbreaking.  We took in every moment with you, getting to know you, and feeling the love in our hearts expand from one child to two.  But the reality that Chase would not dote on or notice his new little brother was always lurking.  He cried every time you cried.  He did not want to hold you or touch you or want anything to do with you.  He didn't know how to.  He didn't understand.  Those dreams of you two being best of friends felt shattered.

As time went by and you grew and developed and became mobile, you followed Chase ALL OVER the house.  You wanted to do everything your big brother did.  Play with everything he played with.  You just wanted to be near him, have his attention, if even for a few seconds.  You didn't get it often, but you never gave up.  You never stopped trying and you never got upset when Chase turned and ran the other way.

As hard as it was, and is, to watch sometimes, we are beginning to realize what an amazing little soul you are.  God has a big plan for your life and it started with being Chase's little brother.  We see you grow and develop in to a super smart little boy.  You are full of personality and humor.  You are relentless in your attempts to get Chase's attention, and you never give up on trying to engage with him, get him to play, give him affection.  You are the BEST built-in peer model any child with Autism could hope for! ;)

It has gotten better.  Chase has warmed up to you.  He actually pays attention to you now and laughs with you, wrestles with you, lays in bed with you, lets you hold his hand, and hugs you!  It warms our hearts to see the bond you two are forming, in your own little unique way.  And the empathy you are learning through your personal experiences at home is something we could never begin to teach you.

Miles, you are one amazing little boy!  You are so sensitive and caring.  So loving and gentle.  I sometimes cringe at the level of maturity you have had to rise to at such a young age, but I know God has put you in our lives for a special reason and that you will do wonderful things as you go through life.  You get away with A LOT more than I like to admit...but you also deal with WAY MORE than most 2 1/2 year olds should have to deal with at your age.

You are a true blessing dear sweet Miles and I thank God EVERY day for both you and Chase and all the amazing things you teach your dad and me!
xoxo

On The Fence

I've had a blog post brewing for a while now.   I wasn't sure how to put my feelings in to words, or even figure what exactly I feel on this subject of vaccines, but as the days have passed and more things keep getting thrown at me and in my face it has been tugging at my heart to share my thoughts and our story.  I'll preface this with: these are my opinions, I am NOT claiming to know everything, I am simply venting...I've had enough!

This all started with all these pro-vaccine/anti-vaccine articles and facebook rants that keep popping up in my news feeds.  I guess I'm adding another one to that list.  I get it though...the government and media are really good at fear-mongering.  They pick a topic of the day/week/month and continue to find and write articles to share with the general public to get them all riled up.  Congrats...it has worked!  Everyone is FREAKING out because a handful of people and kids have gotten measles.  Or kind of like the Ebola scare.  Or the flu vaccine/outbreak.  Everyone has an opinion and rightfully so.  But NO ONE has the right to judge or point fingers or call people names without knowing the whole story!  I'm tired of the blanket statements.

I used to be on the side of the fence that was pro-vaccine.  I never judged or thought that anti-vaccine people were irresponsible or crazy, it just wasn't the route we chose to go, initially.  When it comes to vaccines and Autism I never thought, and still don't think, that vaccines are THE CAUSE of Autism.  However, in the past year, I have changed my thoughts on a lot of things diet-related and vaccine-related.  I don't necessarily think vaccines cause Autism, but I do think that some kids with Autism should be in the group classified as "immune suppressed" because they are just that!  And some kids are genetically pre-disposed to react.  And vaccines DO play a part in contributing to Autism-like symptoms and regressions in those kids.  I've seen it first-hand now.  I've witnessed my child react and regress.

I've learned (some, not enough) about MTHFR mutations, methylation issues, glutathione levels, candida, parasites, gut bacteria, mitochondrial dysfunction, vitamin deficiencies...the list goes on.  I spend COUNTLESS hours every day reading and researching and trying to learn AS MUCH as I can about anything related to Autism that may help my son.  It's a full time job...it's endless...it's exhausting...it's scary...it's frustrating...and it's also rewarding and liberating when you find a piece of that puzzle that works!  It's a lot of trial and error.  Unfortunately there isn't enough money or research being done on causes of Autism or alternative treatments, but that's a whole other issue.  And unfortunately, parents are not made aware of simple tests that can be done to predetermine how their child will react to certain vaccines prior to injecting them.  Pediatricians aren't educated on MTHFR and such...it's not "popular science" so it's never even brought up, until it's too late.  And the damage is done.

Along the same lines, I used to think gluten-free/dairy-free diets were a hoax.  It wasn't "for us".  That alternative treatments were crazy and therapy was the ONLY proven thing that would work.  I never thought Chase had "leaky gut" because he was always so "regular" in his BMs...he was never constipated or had chronic diarrhea.   But I was not fully informed.  I only knew part of the story.  I had not done my due diligence in research.  I had not opened my mind to that train of thought, because I was not ready to hear it.  Because it is HARD.  The diet is tough, especially for kids who are picky eaters.  Change is hard too.  People get comfortable in their routines and lifestyles and don't want to make the necessary changes to better their health or their child's symptoms, so they criticize.  It happens all the time.  But now that I have opened my eyes/ears/mind/heart and learned what I have learned, I am starting to see a different side of the argument.  I now know that Chase does have a leaky/damaged gut, and I know it has nothing to do with his BMs (for the most part).  We have done the stool test, done the urine test, will probably do more tests, but we now know without doubt there is a connection.  Had I kept a closed-mind we may still be where we were a year ago, without as much progress, fighting the same battles every day.  Like a hamster on a wheel.

My point is, we all owe it to each other to do our research, try to see another point of view and open our minds to someone else's side of the argument, or at least their story, before pointing fingers and throwing out accusations, because no one side is right ALL of the time, especially regarding vaccines and alternative treatments.  There is no "One Size Fits All" solution to this argument.  Every child is different.  Every child reacts to things differently.  We are all just trying to do the best we can for our families.

It is so easy (and cowardly) to sit back and point fingers at everyone else.  It's easy to blame other people and jump on the bandwagon for the "popular side of the argument".  For us personally, the vaccine issue is a major struggle.  I'm terrified of both options...to vaccinate and to not vaccinate. I have experienced firsthand what it's like to watch your child react to every! little! thing! because his gut is so damaged and he is so extremely sensitive to the slightest things... foods/additives/OTC medications/soaps/shampoos/playdoh...  We are working so hard to get Chase's body back in balance, to optimize his ability to learn and function...it's a DAILY struggle.  I just ask that people try to be more compassionate and less judgmental until you know the whole story.

We all want our kids to be safe and healthy.  Bottom line.