I started this post right before Thanksgiving, as I was reflecting back on the past year. As life does, things got crazy and busy and I never had time to sit down and finish this post. So as the new year begins, reflecting back on 2014, not much has changed from my initial post...
I am especially thankful for everything I have learned in this past year. I have learned patience, on a whole other level. I have learned trust, deeper than I ever knew. I have learned selflessness, even when I wanted to be selfish. I have learned to love, in the hardest of times, and when I really wasn't feeling love. And I have learned perseverance, even when I thought I could not take any more!
I am in no way patting myself on the back, because this past year has been anything but perfect and everything but pretty in this process of learning and growing. It is a DAILY struggle and CONSTANT learning process, but I am so thankful for where it has gotten me and our whole entire family. I am especially thankful for how it has made me grow as a person, in my faith, in my relationships, and in my ability to teach my children.
PATIENCE:
This is something I have to work on every single day. I am not always patient, and often times lose it, but I have learned to recognize when those feelings are coming on and try to stop myself before it gets to the point of yelling and screaming or saying things I can't take back. I've tried to learn to take a deep breath, think about the situation and who the adult is (ME - Ha!). Because I'll be honest...2 1/2 year olds can PUSH YOUR BUTTONS in a way no other human has ever done before! :) I have found that when I scream or yell, it only makes the situation worse. But when I am calm and patient it's a learning opportunity for everyone involved.
Aside from 2 1/2 year olds, I have also learned to be patient with Chase and his progress. It's hard when you see a child, especially one who has been non-verbal for 4 1/2 years and is now saying so many new words every day, not to want to push harder. I am CONSTANTLY reading online and researching different treatment paths and diets. I want so badly to do any and everything I can do keep this progress going, to speed it up, to push harder. BUT I know that's not the best thing for him. I know I need to be patient and give the things we are doing right now ample time to work before pursuing the next thing. I am sooooo thankful we were patient this time around when we started the GFCF diet. And that we gave it time to really work. I struggled. I wanted to give up. I wanted to let my child eat "normal" foods, I still do! But I am so glad we stuck with it because the results have been truly amazing to witness!
Patience in God's timing. We really started to see how His timing played out when we made the move to Nashville last year. And God has not stopped showing us His timing and plan since we moved. Every time we thought we were at a stand still or got inpatient, God revealed little glimpses of hope or His plan to us. And it has been truly amazing to witness it play out each day/week/month...
TRUST:
I have not only learned to trust in God, but also others. I have a very "Type A" personality. I like to be in control of things, do things my way, and take charge. I probably struggle with letting go of minor things and routines, more than anything else, but I am slowing learning to trust in others' abilities as well. I'm sure my husband would be the first to tell you how anal I am at home, and how I like things to be done a certain way...I'm aware and working on it honey! :)
And speaking of my husband...I have always trusted him, in the sense that I knew he would always be faithful, and would always be there for us, and would always have my back, etc. But this past year, through the ups and downs of therapies, financial struggles, unknowns, and all that life has thrown at us...I feel such a deeper trust in our relationship. I feel like we can make it through anything and I'm so thankful that God put Chase in my life to be my partner through this journey because I cannot imagine doing life with anyone else. He is my voice of reason, my calming force, he grounds me, and I know without a doubt that he would do ANYTHING to provide for us and give us everything we need! He has trusted in all my crazy ideas, alternative treatments, diet plans, recipes. And I absolutely could not make it day to day without his trust and support as well!
SELFLESSNESS:
I know I am not alone in feeling like I give 110% of myself to my kids, husband, friends and everyone but myself, most days. I have never been this out of shape in my life or been so beat down tired at the end of the day. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself or have the "woe is me" attitude when life gets hectic and your kids are at the age where they are SO DEMANDING, ALL! THE! TIME! I have been working part time from home since April (typing medical dictations), so even though Miles started Mother's Day Out this fall, every spare minute of free time was now spent on working while they were in school. And since putting Chase on such a strict, whole foods diet, every other spare minute of my day is now involving cooking (everything from scratch). I spend most every day either carpooling, grocery shopping, cooking, wiping butts, dealing with meltdowns, or cleaning the house/doing laundry. By the time Chase gets home from work I am usually at the point of losing it on one of the kids, but he swoops in almost every night and saves the day by doing bath time (while I start cooking, again!). Once the kids are off to bed (which isn't usually until around 8:00-8:30), Chase and I will sit down to eat, if we didn't squeeze in a few bites in between bath and bedtime, then I plop on the couch to finish working (usually until 11:00-12:00 at night). Which pretty much leaves Chase and I NO time for each other, much less any time for myself. I have days where I feel sorry for myself, where I feel like I will never have "Me Time" ever again. But when I see how crucial these little things are in making the boys happy, or things easier for Chase so he can go to work and not worry about them, it makes me think of it as a "job". I am not good at sitting idle, or not working, but thinking of these daily things as a job has helped me realize how important these mundane tasks really are.
*Since I initially wrote this, after much prayer and discussion with Chase, I have quit working from home (as of mid-December) so that I can more time to focus on Chase's therapies, observing and sitting in on more sessions, and possibly even time to work out! ;)
One day I will make it back to the gym. And one day I will lose that last 10lbs of pregnancy weight. And one day I will be able to get a pedicure on a Tuesday! But today I am thankful that I am in a position to GET to be at home with my kids. To GET to take them to and from school every day. To GET to stay home and cook all these things that have helped change Chase's life. Because had I been at a 9-5 job, none of these things would be possible!
LOVE:
I love God. I love Chase. I love my kids. I love my family. I love my friends. I love the fall. I love the beach. I love a lot of things. But this past year, I am especially thankful for the love of my husband.
I love my husband dearly. I am committed to him until the day I die. This last year, like I have said before, had many ups and downs, and just like any other normal couple (they are lying if they say things are hunky dory 100% of the time), we have had our rough patches. And I would be lying if I said that raising any child, much less a child with special needs, isn't hard on any marriage. We've had our fair share of fights, disagreements, and resentments, but at the end of the day, we have grown through those times and risen above the conflict. We are still working on things, every day, but my love and respect for my husband has grown more and more with each year (or day for that matter) of our marriage. He never ceases to amaze me. He is the best father to our boys. They LOVE and adore him so much, and it warms my heart to see that bond they share with him. I am so thankful he is ours and that we get to raise our family together and grow old together. I am thankful for our ever deepening love.
PERSEVERANCE:
This journey of Autism is not an easy one. There are so many unknowns. So little guidance. So many options and paths. No one will hold your hand. No one will walk you through it. It is a lot of work. Lots of followup phone calls, emails, reminders. Constant collaboration and communication between therapies and teachers. It's easy to want to throw in the towel and just go with the flow. It's much harder to push for what your child deserves. To push for what they need. To fight insurance for coverage. To fight doctors to hear you out. To fight people who don't understand everything you are doing. I am thankful we never gave up. I am thankful we keep pushing for Chase to get what he deserves. I am thankful we stuck with his diet. I am thankful we persevered through the rough patches...and I am soooo thankful for the progress Chase has made because of it all! We are far from the end of this journey. But we have a renewed sense of hope these last few months. His progress has been AMAZING to say the least. And I am thankful we stuck with our gut instincts and have gotten Chase the help he deserves and needs!
There are SO MANY reasons to be thankful for this year and I know that God has so many more amazing things in store for us all in 2015. HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!
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